At church today I joined my parents and listened as the preacher preached about Greed and money… At the conclusion of the service we all got up and made to the door. My mom saw someone who worked at Clark College (where she works) and went into ‘the update pitch’.. You know.. the go-to pitch to “what are you up too?” If kids are involved the default is almost always what they’re up too… So Mom goes right into the fact that I’m leaving for Japan… This prompts the, “Ooh” (facing me) “Are you excited?” Now perhaps it’s just a unique trait of Americans or anyone who speaks English… but this question is sort of a mix between a guilt trip and a no brainer.

What if I were to say, “Excited?! Are you kidding me? Heck No… I only waited dang near a frigg’n year to find out that I got picked… Shoot I don’t even know where I’m going..! Excited is the last of my feelings about this boondoggle!” That’s an exaggeration and I DO NOT FEEL THAT WAY, but what if? Right? Muri-desu (it’s impossible).

The truth is… I’m skeptically excited only because it’s still hard to give myself to the complete unknown. I’m not talking about Japan, or teaching… but what I’ll be blogging about on this very site five months from now. A portion of me absolutely wants to cut out of dodge and go… yesterday— the other says to wait diligently. But in five months I don’t know if my -same- self will be yelling at me (today-me) or laughing– So as you can see ‘my canned answer’ of “Yeah I’m exited” is complicated.

I think that the ‘sinking in part’ of “You’re going to Japan buddy!” hasn’t fully hit yet… Perhaps it’s delayed because I’ve wanted this job since High School– Infact it’s been a want/goal for years and now that it’s finally reality– I’m without a goal. At current I’ve filled the void with a wonderful thing– Kanji learning. RTK has filled a hole that’s kept me occupied for hours (All night last night even). Yet it’s putting off the real feelings inside that are mixed between panic and platitude with regards to whether “I’m excited.”

As a consolation for all that: Here’s what I am excited for… Going back to a society that makes sense in an nonsensical way. I’m excited to learn an aspect of Japanese child development that was talked about in Bruce Feiler’s Book Learning to Bow. I’m excited to take my Japanese and culture studies to a new level. I’m gratified that my B.A. has been justified by this program. I’m excited to loose weight– lot’s of weight. And more… but the hump of expressing all this in a way that communicates to people who may not understand the complexities of “why that?” is what has me trapped. As soon as I go into it… they’re lost, I’m lost… At the moment my true excitement is uncommunicable.

Undoubtedly the enthusiasm will build within me when things get closer to leaving… I’m still months out from going to Japan so there’s a lot of thinking I have to do.. All I can ask is for people to be patient– In time the smile will come out, the excitement will be apparent, and I’ll begin glow like I did the first time I left for Japan–

Jamatte,

~J out

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